But touch my tears with your lips, touch my world with your fingertips

phoenixwaller:

Victor knew it the instant that he took the fall in practice harder than he should have that it wasn’t going to be a good day.

Everybody falls, he repeated like a mantra in his head as he brushed the ice shavings from his pants. But the words did little to quell the sense of failure.

Victor rounded the rink and set up for another attempt, but he knew before he even lifted off that he wouldn’t be able to land the jump that day. He popped it to prevent another tumble, then skated to the barrier for a bit of water.

Victor’s eyes roamed the rink, searching out the one person he needed most right then. But Yuri wasn’t there. He and Yurio were both practicing in Lilia’s studio.

A gruff throat clearing behind him caught Victor’s attention. He dropped his water bottle in shock, before turning to see Yakov glaring at him.

“I’ll try it again,” Victor said, wondering how disappointed the coach was at that moment.

“You’ll do no such thing,” Yakov countered. “You’re going home before you hurt yourself.”

“But Yakov!”

He’s firing me as a pupil. I’m a failure. He thinks I’m too old. I took too much time away. I’ll disappoint Yuri.

Yakov sighed, looked around and lowered his voice. “It doesn’t magically go away Vitya.”

Victor blinked in confusion. “Yakov?”

“The good things, the happy things in life… Those help, but every once in a while the world is just too much, and the darkness drapes over it like a shroud.”

Victor’s eyes widened.

“I’ll admit I didn’t see it properly before,” Yakov continued. “It happened so gradually that I missed it. But now that you’ve returned it’s clear as day, and I refuse to let you hurt yourself because of it.”

“But… Yuri…” Victor said, faltering slightly in the knowledge that Yakov saw the darkness plaguing him.

Yakov huffed. “That boy will understand better than almost anyone else. I dare not interrupt his time with Lilia, but if he wants to stay once he gets back I’ll look after him.”

A beat of silence passed between them.

“Go home Vitya,” Yakov said again. “Take Makkachin on a walk and get some sunshine. Go off your diet for today. Do what you need to banish the darkness so you can come back tomorrow and give it your best.”

“And if it lasts longer than today?” Victor whispered, remembering the years of fighting through.

“Then we’ll come up with a plan,” Yakov replied. “But for now we’ll deal with it when it happens.”

Victor nodded, numb. He skated to the exit and grabbed his hard guards, slipping them onto his blades.

Yakov noticed. Yakov saw that I can’t even control my own emotions.

“Vitya,” Yakov said, taking a seat next to him on the bench as he removed and cleaned his skates. “You’re not the first skater in this rink to face the darkness, and you won’t be the last. This is a demanding sport. Your entire souls are laid bare before audiences, and sometimes it’s too much. I wish I’d have seen it before, we could have worked to keep it from getting as bad as it did. But I see it now.”

“What do I do?” Victor asked, voice small and timid.

“For today, whatever feels right. Once this cloud has lifted we’ll talk about it more.”

Victor nodded, staring at the floor.

Yakov patted his knee. “I’ll see you tomorrow Vitya.”

“Tomorrow,” Victor echoed.

Yakov’s shoes didn’t move from Victor’s field of vision. “Yes, tomorrow. Even if you’re not up to skating I’d like you to check in.”

Victor nodded again.

Yakov’s hand on his shoulder. “You’re not alone Vitya. Katsuki will understand, and so do I.”

A glimmer of something bright in the darkness. Victor looked up and gave his coach a hint of a smile. “Thanks Yakov.”

Yakov grunted in reply, but his eyes were softer than Victor expected.

A commotion on the ice caught their attention. Yakov turned. “Mila! Give Georgi back his phone! Georgi! Stop swooning over photos of that new girl when you should be skating!” he bellowed.

Victor secured his cleaned skates in his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He quickly showered in the locker room before stepping out into the crisp spring air.

Birds sang, and the breeze carried the scent of new growth. All Victor wanted to do was cry.

He wiped away a tear that had managed to escape, then started walking back to his apartment.

The key was obscenely loud in the lock, the sound echoing through the hall of the apartment building. The questioning sound of nails on the hardwood floor as Makkachin roused to see who was home early. The clatter as Victor dropped his keys into the bowl near the door was almost deafening.

Makkachin whined, a tone Victor knew all too well.

Victor shrugged off his jacket and slipped out of his shoes, padding through the apartment in his socks until he faced the bed. He collapsed onto it and allowed the tears to flow.

Another whine and the bed dipped as Makkachin jumped up. She immediately pressed herself against Victor’s chest.

Victor’s breathing stuttered as he ran his fingers through her fur. “You always knew, didn’t you Makka?”

Makkachin pressed her snout into the crook of Victor’s neck in response, and he couldn’t hold back any longer as the tears started streaming down his face.

---

The bed dipped behind him and an arm draped itself over his waist. Kisses along the back of his neck.

Victor realized he’d fallen asleep, but the bright afternoon light told him that Yuri had come home immediately after learning Victor wasn’t at the rink, and the tears started again.

More kisses, and the arm around his middle tightened.

Makkachin huffed and jumped down from the bed as Victor turned in his fiance’s embrace and buried his face in the other man’s chest.

Yuri’s lips on his forehead, his arms holding him tight.

Victor’s fingers wound into Yuri’s shirt as he sobbed against him.

Yuri said nothing, just holding Victor close until the tears slowed.

FInally Victor lifted his head to meet Yuri’s gaze, and saw that instead of disgust Yuri’s eyes were soft and full of love.

“Sometimes crying helps, doesn’t it?” Yuri asked softly.

Victor nodded, and tucked his head against Yuri’s shoulder as they settled into a more comfortable position.

Yuri’s fingers through his hair and along his back, his lips tracing the lingering tear trails.

“What do you need from me?” Yuri asked after a few minutes.

“Just… stay by my side and never leave,” Victor murmured, closing his eyes and relaxing in the arms of his fiance.

Yuri chuckled. “As if anybody could ever pry me away from you.”

“You didn’t sign up for a broken man though,” Victor replied.

“I signed up for you, good days and bad,” Yuri replied. “Just be yourself, remember?”

Victor nodded into Yuri’s chest.

Yuri’s fingers under Victor’s chin, and then he was staring into the depths of Yuri’s chocolate eyes.

“I love you Vitya,” Yuri said softly before leaning in to kiss his forehead. “I’m here, right by your side, and we’ll fight our bad days together. Ok?”

Fresh tears sprung to Victor’s eyes, and Yuri tucked him close again.

“You’ll never have to fight alone again,” Yuri said against Victor’s hair.

Victor allowed the tears to fall, safe in the knowledge that there was light in the darkness.

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