Category: Uncategorized

voiceskele:

queenoftherams8:

tangzhuang:

spacelesbians:

bpdsnek:

my mitochondria clearly aren’t working because this bitch has NO FUCKING ENERGY

Mitochondria machine broke

actually the funny thing is that this post is basically describing what researchers now think is the underlying cause in chronic fatigue syndrome (as in there is notable dysfunction in mitochondria that means less ATP is produced, especially under stresses)

THIS BITCH EMPTY

Y E E T

justlookatthosesausages:

invisiblespork:

ohhowlucky:

danteogodofsoup:

killbenedictcumberbatch:

standupcomedyblog:

John Mulaney | The Salt & Pepper Diner

THE BEST JOKE IN EXISTENCE

GOD I JUST TOLD SOMEONE ABOUT THIS STORY

This is one of the best pieces of comedy that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing. I love this. I have been looking for this online for awhile.

[Audio transcription: I wanted to tell you one story. Uh. This is the story of the best meal I’ve ever had in my life, okay. Happened when I was eleven years old in Chicago, IL where I grew up. I went to a place called the Salt & Pepper Diner, uh, with my best friend John. We walk into the diner one day, and they had a jukebox there, okay? And the jukebox was three plays for a dollar. So we put in 7 dollars and selected 21 plays of of Tom Jones’s What’s New Pussycat. And then we ordered and waited. 

Here’s the thing about when, uh, What’s New Pussycat plays over and over and over and over and over again. The second time it plays, your immediate thought is not ‘hey someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again.’ It’s ‘hey, What’s New Pussycat is a lot longer than I first thought. The third time it plays you’re thinking maybe someone’s playing What’s New Pussycat again. The fourth time it plays you’re either thinking ‘whoa someone just played What’s New Pussycat FOUR TIMES or at least someone played it twice, and it’s a really long song.’ So the fifth time is the kicker, alright? 

Now, John and I we’re watching the entire diner at this point, alright? Most people have gotten wind as to what’s going on. And we’re staring at this one guy and he’s sitting in like a booth with his stupid kids jumping around, and he’s like staring at his coffee cup like this, and he’s been onto us since the beginning. And he’s sitting there, and his hand is shaking, and he had this look on his face like, aw, like he had just gotten his thirty day chip from anger management. And he’s staring like this, and the fourth song fades out. It’s dead quiet. Then, I don’t know if you know this, but the song begins very quietly


BWAAAH BWAAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT and he goes GOD DAMN IT and pounds on the table, silverware flies everywhere, and it was fantastic. But a word about my best friend John and what a genius he was because when we first walked into the diner, okay? When we first got there and I’m punching in the What’s New Pussycats alright? I’ve punched in like 7 at this point then John says to me ‘hey hey hey before you punch in another What’s New Pussycat let’s drop in one It’s Not Unusual.’

Oh yes. That is when the afternoon went from good to great. After seven What’s New Pussycats. In a row – It played seven times. Suddenly – Dum da dum, IT’S NOT UNUSUAL and the sigh of relief that swept through the diner. People were so happy. It was like the liberation of France. You know for years scientists have wondered can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy by playing Tom Jones’s It’s Not Unusual and the answer is yes you can. Provided that it is preceded by seven What’s New Pussycats. It’s true. Dead honest.

And on the other hand. When we went back. Holy shit. It’s Not Unusual fade out. It’s dead quiet. BWAAAH BWAAAAH WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT people went insane. People went out of their minds. No one could handle it. No one could handle it. And they were surrounded by this seemingly indifferent staff that was just like ‘yup some crap as always.’ 

They unplugged the jukebox after eleven plays. And that was the best meal I ever had.]

reblogging again coz this time it has audio transcription (bless you) and it’s still forever hilarious omg

hiimahufflepuff:

thatsthat24:

When Your Head Is Finally in the Right Place 😠

Thomas: *dropping phone* That is it, I am done with them!

Brain: Yeah they take hours to reply to you!

Thomas: Yeah!

Brain: You do more for them than they ever do for you,

Thomas: I do!

Brain: They’re not worth it!

Thomas: No! They’re not!

Brain: You’re calling them aren’t you?

Thomas: *holding up phone, speaking quietly* yeah I wanna hear their voice..

Brain: Gurl.

youre-joking-perce:

gandalfthegreywarden:

welpwomp:

professor-remus:

datvikingtho:

lightgetsout:

satanstrousers:

em-in-the-den:

current aesthetic: cute english teacher who’s high key banging the history professor

current aesthetic: the history professor

current aesthetic: the history professor’s substitute who joins in on the action.

current aesthetic: the principal who really wants to get in on this sexyfest, but also doesn’t want this whole thing to blow up in his face.

aesthetic: the librarian who nearly exposes the whole affair before joining in.

aesthetic: The bookish guidance counselor who thinks you all need Jesus. 

Aesthetic: the law student in his dorm across campus who can hear everything.

Every time I see this it has different characters I love this post