stealing-your-wife:

thecarlonethatalsowrites:

espeoradar:

samarajournal:

paulichu:

adriofthedead:

zzdigital:

What if someone got bitten by a vampire, but didn’t realize it. So then they go around and keep misidentifying all the symptoms, like

“Dude, you haven’t gone outside in a while.”
“Yeah, last time I went out I got this wicked sunburn.”

“Are you still up?”
“Yeah, I started bing watching this show on Netflix.”

“Dude, I’m seriously craving something right now.”
“Like what?”
“I dunno. Pizza rolls?”

“Why is it that you never come into my house unless I invite you?”
“Um, it’s called ‘being polite’…?”

“I tried cooking with garlic the other night and got this serious burn on my hand. I think I’m allergic, but all I’m getting on Google is vampire bullshit.”

“Dude can a mirror like… stop working or something?”

“Dude, why do you keep posting pictures of the floor?”
“…Those are meant to be selfies, I guess my camera must be broken.”

“Dude, I am all for you expressing your religious beliefs, but could you not wear your crucifix when I’m around? It really bugs me for some reason.”

“I went to church yesterday and the holy water was really hot!”

“Have you ever noticed how cute bats are? like really noticed? sweet lil balls of fluff with wings man.”

signs that are perceived as calm but are actual angry little demons inside: cancer, virgo, pisces, taurus, gemini
signs that are perceived as angry but are actually calm inside: scorpio, sagittarius, aquarius, leo
I do what I want: libra
Raging fire breathing dragon at all times: capricorn, aries

cellobeer:

whiskyandoldspice:

sometimes i feel so bad for lucifer

imagine you’re a little kid and you have the coolest dad in the whole world like he takes you to baseball games all the time and teaches you how to drive an ATV and sits up on friday nights with you eating pizza rolls and watching cartoons

and then one day he brings home a thousand fucking ferrets or something

and they smell and they’re shitting all over your house and he just sits around playing with the ferrets and ignoring you and you’re like “dad what the fuck” and he’s all “aren’t these ferrets gr8 i want you to do whatever they tell you to do and you have to love them you have to love them“ 

and you’re like “dad have you gone off the deep end you gotta get rid of the ferrets man”

and then he kicks you out of the house

Bravo analogy

jayda95:

all-because-we-fell-in-love:

floozys:

vagina’s are able to stretch wide enough to give birth to a fucking baby and then return to it’s original size but of course being penetrated by that grass blade you call a penis is what’s going to make it “loose”

Uhh. The baby doesnt come out of where the penis goes in…

stay in school y’all

mskahve:

doctorsherlocklokison:

hot-tea-nanako:

saywa-llahi:

girls do you sometimes jst get really weird vibes from some guys like they haven’t done anything but its like God is lowkey warning you about them

That’s called instinct listen to that shit

Yea, there’s this part of your brain called the amygdala, it is essentially the brain within the brain and handles a bunch of neuro-processes. it can sense danger even if your conscious mind can’t detect it. that’s why you sometimes feel like someone’s following you when there’s no one there or you get a bad feeling about someone you just met. Sometimes it makes mistakes but for the most part, TRUST the feeling because it’s as good a warning signal you’re gonna get from nature.

Thanks science side of tumblr

felicianovargay:

I’ve made my boyfriend a promise.
For every reblog this gets, I’ll put killing myself off by one day. It may seem like an attention grab, but I just want to see how many people actually care.

dejanentendu:

college-life-crisis:

I almost spit out my water